Pain of the Past
by Akarnia
Summary: A story of Xena's past told from Xena's point of view
1. Default Chapter

The Pain Of The Past  
The story of Xena's past  
(part 1)  
  
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the Television series Xena: Warrior Princess do not belong to me but to the creators. *WARNING: this story contains violence, abuse, and sex please e-mail any feed back to me at Amzngirl04@aol.com ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````````````````````` The two heroes silently walked down the path to Amphipolis. Gabrielle was unusually quite that afternoon and seemed uncomfortable.  
  
"Something wrong?" Xena asked her friend. Gabrielle looked across at Xena and shook her head.  
  
"No.. i'm just thinking about some things"  
  
"Want to talk about it?" Xena offered  
  
" That's up to you"  
  
" What do you mean?"  
  
Gabrielle stopped walking and turned to face Xena.  
  
"Well, I've noticed that a lot of things and people we go up against are from your past..people you've hurt, things you did, I just think we could deal with these conflicts a lot easier if I knew everything before hand..Xena I know it hurts you to talk about your past, but I want to know. It just seems like even now through all the years I've known you. your still a mystery."  
  
Xena looked down at the dirt debating weather to tell Gabrielle everything. Gabrielle noticed Xena holding back tears and changed her mind.  
  
"I'm sorry Xena, you don't have to tell me, I know it hur-"  
  
"No.no it's ok, your right, you deserve to know" Xena spoke choked with emotion and sucked in a deep breath of air and started to walk again.  
  
"My family and I lived on a farm right outside of amphipolis. My mom owned a tavern and my father was a great warrior, or at least I thought so at the time. My older brother Toris was about three years older than me. My father would teach Toris how to use a sword, I wanted to learn also but they both told me I was to young and that a lady doesn't fight, but I wasn't any normal girl, I've always been tough. I was only seven and Lyceus was 6. Lyceus and i were very close we were always together. Toris on the other hand was my worst enemy, we always were arguing about something. That year my father came home late on night in a drunken rage, I listened from my room to my mother and father fight.  
  
All I heard him say was "Ares commanded that I kill her, she must die"  
  
I had never heard my father talk about killing anyone. I was shocked. I wanted to keep listening, I wanted to find out exactly what he was talking about, but Toris pulled me back into my room. The next day my father was gone. Mother said that he left and wasn't coming back. It hurt, I loved my father, I was angry and upset that he left me. I could tell my brothers were upset also, but my mother always knew how to take our minds of it. Besides Lyceus, my only good friends were Flora and Marcus, who was more Toris's friend but I had a crush on him. On afternoons when I wasn't doing my chores around the farm, Lyceus and I would sneak my fathers swords out behind the house and pretend to be great warriors fighting in battle against the enemy. Occasionally I'd get Toris to teach me a few moves. I was always getting in trouble, getting dirty, getting in fights (mostly with Toris). By the time I was 13 I was pretty good with a sword, at least for my age. I was 15 when I found out that my village was going to be attacked by the warlord Cortees. Before they came we were called into town for a meeting. A man from Cortees's army came to speak to us, his name was Turin.  
  
" Villagers of Amphipolis, I suggest that you gather all the food, supplies and valuables you own and hand them over to cortees by noon tomorrow.. or die" Turin threatened.  
  
To me that wasn't a fair deal and I felt the need to share my opinion with the man and my neighbors.  
  
" Your not getting anything of ours, we have all worked to hard and lived here to long to just give it all up. Were not going down with out a fight." I spoke confidently.  
  
" Don't be a fool little girl, we will kill you"  
  
" I'd rather die standing on my feet than live on my knees" I said, The solider was a bit taken back by my bravery but still looked at me as if I was crazy.  
  
" So be it, just heed my warning" the man spoke angrily and left the Inn.  
  
I suggested and insisted that we formed a defense against Cortees. I was only 15 but I was very persuasive,. Lyceus helped me urge them on, but Toris didn't agree with me as usual. He thought it would be best for our village to escape into hills, but I knew they would just hunt us down and kill us, even if we did give them what they wanted. I replaced the peoples fear with courage, I convinced them to fight. I told my village to gather any weapons they had and meet in front of the Inn noon the next day. Lyceus wanted to fight and I would have let him, but mother wanted to keep him in the tavern with her and the rest of the women and children.  
  
" How did your mother feel about you taking lead like that?" Gabrielle asked  
  
" She hated it, she tried to talk me out of it but I had already talked myself into it"..  
  
" Xena please don't do this" my mother pleaded  
  
" What are we supposed to do, let them take our belongings, our pride, our life's?" I explained  
  
" This is not one of your games Xena, this is serious" mother mocked  
  
" I'm doing this mother..with or without your support" ....  
  
The next day the village adults and young men lined up to fight.. More correctly to die. I walked to the front of the line with my fathers sword in hand..I was scared, and still the scariest thing of all was seeing cortees's army come over the hills of Amphipolis. We were way out numbered, but I wasn't about to give up.  
  
"ATTACK" I screamed and the people of Amphipolis ran into battle. I came to my first opponent and he was much harder to defeat than expected, the best thing I could do was to doge him and run away. I noticed Toris wasn't out fighting I figured he had ran to the hills like a coward. I continued the best I could and continued fighting; I was managing to keep myself alive, which is more than I can say for the other people that were fighting. My neighbors and friends were getting cut down left and right. I started to lose hope that we could win but I would fight till the end. I took a moment to observe the horror and spotted one of cortese's men headed for the inn. I ran at him as fast as ever possible and jumped unto his back knocking him down. I then noticed it was Turin. I rolled over his fallen body and fell on my back into the dirt. I tried to get up but before I was able to the man was raising his sword above my head ready to strike.then I went with my first gut instinct and swung my sword as hard as I could upward and across his throat. The sound of the man gasping for air and the feel of the sword tearing through skin made me shiver. It seemed like slow motion the way the man fell. I stood up before him looking my sword over. The entire tip of it was bloody and it slowly dripped down. My first kill, the one all always remember. I wasn't sure at the time if I should be proud of myself or ashamed. All I could do was stare at the sword and the body that I had taken the life from. While I wasn't paying attention to what was going on, another man came up behind me and struck the back of my head with the hilt of his sword. I fell hard to the ground, I struggled to stay concius, My vision was blurry and I kept getting dizzier. I slowly turned over and saw the shadow of a man standing over me with a sword. I heard Lyceus scream my name, and then I saw him run out of the tavern. He charged the warrior and tried to disarm him, but he wasn't strong enough, The warlord knocked him down.and what happened next was the exact moment that changed me, I became filled with hate and vengeance. The man killed him. He murdered my little brother.. I ran in anger at the man who killed lyceus and ran my sword through his stomach. I looked him in the eyes, and held the sword in him enjoying the moment, then I pulled it out and I ran to my brother's side.. His eye's stared blankly up at me, he was covered in blood.  
  
" Lyceus.No, don't leave me.no" I screamed to him, but he was already dead. I laid over him crying, and every warlord that came near me.I killed. I was blind with hate. not much longer Cortees's men retreated, but we had still lost. I was cut and bruised and bloody, some of the blood was mine but most of it wasn't. The blood made me sick to my stomach and I was dizzy from exhaustion. I turned and looked at my brother's body but had to stumble into some bushes by a well were I threw up. I sat on the ground and wiped my mouth, but all I got was a handful of blood and I threw up again. I washed myself up and sat to think about what had just happened to me.. By the time the sun started to go down I felt well enough to go back.. I walked across the village battlefield. The bodies had all been brought in but the horror was still there. I entered the tavern and saw my neighbors mourning their dead family members and others tending to the injured. I spotted Lycues's body in the back of the building. I walked up to the table he laid on and stared at him, praying that he would come back..I felt guilty, I felt that it was all my fault. It didn't help when my mother told me it was my fault, she said that I might as well of killed Lyceus and the rest of the village myself. I was ashamed and left town, I figured everyone would be happier if I did. I didn't know where I would go or who I'd meet I didn't care. I just wanted to leave..  
  
After traveling a couple days I discovered a camp of warriors, ugly smell barbaric warriors. I didn't want to go in there but I didn't have much of a choice, I needed food and water. I didn't know how to approach them so I just strolled into camp. Every single one of the men looked up from what they were doing and stared at me..  
  
" You there. Stop!" one of the men yelled. I stopped and looked at him trying to be brave.  
  
" What do you think your doing?" he continued.  
  
" I-.I- want" I said stuttering, I stuttered because I was scared, but I couldn't let them know that.  
  
" I want to join your army" I commanded. All the men burst out Laughing at the thought of a very young teenage girl trying to join an army.  
  
" SHUT UP.I'm serious.I.I'm a warrior.I've killed many men" I shouted over the laughter.  
  
"Prove it" The man challenged. He was obviously the leader. He signaled to two of his men who brought out an old peasant man from one of the tents. They brought the man in front of me and threw him down at my feet. One of the men handed me a large dagger.  
  
" kill him" the warrior ordered. I took the dagger and looked at him awkwardly, then glanced at the old man. I couldn't take his life, he was innocent.  
  
" NO.I ca-" but before I could finish my refusal the leader punched me, I fell to the ground, blood begging to drip from my nose.  
  
" DO IT" he hollered  
  
" No" I answered trying to stay strong. He continued to beat me. I was in indescribable pain; I was about to let this barbarian beat me to death. I felt the man's weight on my back; he started to pound on me. Before I was about to go into unconsciousness I noticed the dagger he had given me, I reached my arm out from underneath myself and grabbed the dagger, I quickly twisted my body around as much as I could and drove it into his skull. There was silence from everyone and the man I killed had a look of shock in his dead face. His heavy corps fell on me but some how I managed to get out form underneath him. The warriors told me I could be in there army as long as I cooked and cleaned for them and obeyed everything they told me to do. The new leaders name was Ibec, He was an awful man. He beat me for any reason, I was starved and raped.. I slept on the ground next to their other slave who was an old woman named Clyma, she was bitter and treated me not much better then the men did. I learned a lot from her though. She taught me about medicines and healing, and about different kinds of poisons. When the men went out to destroy villages I would usually have to stay behind but I liked it that way. I got to roam around the camp with out fearing being punished for something. I would teach my self-how to use javelins and bows and staffs. After about a month that I was there I met the man who would play a huge roll in my life as a warrior, a man who's ways became a part of me and always will be.  
  
" Ares?"  
  
" Yes Ares..he came to me one day when the men were out..I was looking through the weapons rack, and picked up a large sword. Out of no were a voice whispered,  
  
" That's a nice one" I threw the sword up in shock, it fell on the other swords knocking a whole row to the ground. I turned around in fear expecting to see Ibec and awaited a beating, but instead I saw a tall, dark, handsome man dressed all in black. He held himself confidently and was flawless.  
  
" Who are you? .You shouldn't be here" I asked and warned  
  
" I'm here to help you" he said graciously  
  
" Help me? You're doing anything but" I huffed and bent down to pick up the swords.  
  
" I'm offering you freedom, and power" he seductively whispered and approached me.  
  
" Your crazy .. Who are you?" I asked again  
  
" I'm Ares, god of war" I looked at him with a smirk and turned my back to him to put the sword on the rack.  
  
" That's a big name your throwing around, The REAL Ares might strike you down" I laughed.  
  
Suddenly his arms were gently on my shoulders and I was engulfed by a sensation of power, pleasure, and fearlessness. It was warm and safe.  
  
" That is the power that I can give you..meet me here tonight and I will train you to escape and you will become a great warrior and conquer nations, and rule as my queen"  
  
When he finished speaking the feeling was gone and so was he. I met him that night. He told me I could have all that as long as I agreed to worship him and fight in his name. I agreed of course, he was a god it all sounded so perfect. So for the next three months he trained me to escape, I poisoned some of the men and butchered a few others, but just enough to get away. I ran away from the camp into the forest till I couldn't run any longer. I collapsed on the ground out of breath. Not much longer I was startled by the noise of footsteps behind me. I thought one of the men had followed me to bring me back. I stood up with a knife in my hand ready to fight. Then something or someone jumped out at me from the side and lay on top of me.  
  
" Get off, get off" I yelled and who ever it was got up.  
  
" Sorry Xena I thought you were an enemy" I couldn't see who it was but it sounded like a young man, he had a friendly and familiar voice.  
  
" I'm just passing through,. how do you know my name?" I asked  
  
" Xena.How could I not?"  
  
I then realized who it was and I was so relived. It was Marcus, I ran to him and we embraced. Marcus and I talked for hours about our lives and what had happened the past couple of moths. I felt I could tell him anything. The next day he took me back to his camp, Marcus had also joined up with an army. They were a much richer and classier then the one I'd been at. They were lead by a warrior named Durin. The first time I met him I gave him an attitude, which was a very bad start..  
  
" How can I help you Marcus?" Durin asked while polishing his valuables.  
  
" Sir, this is Xena.she is an experienced fighter and would like to join your army" Marcus said pushing me into view  
  
" She does?..how old are you Xena .10" he asked me as if I were a baby. I sneered at him then answered.  
  
" No.but I'm still not even half your age"  
  
He laughed at my rude remark that was a bit insulting to me.  
  
"she has a quick tongue, I like that. She just has to learn when it's appropriate to use it" He changed his laughter to a more professional tone and continued.  
  
"So.exactly what kind of experience do you have?" Who trained you, have you been a member of an army before, how-"  
  
" I was born in Amphipolis, I HAD a younger brother and have an older brother. My father left when I was seven. When I was 15 my village was attacked, I set up a defense and my village was torched and my younger brother died. My village hated me and I ran away to a group of warlords who beat me, starved me, and raped me. I trained myself to escape and here I am.any more questions?"  
  
Durin stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with his jaw open and sat in his chair a moment. He next stood up to poor himself some more wine and then he spoke.  
  
" Well..Marcus I expect you to teach her respect and obedience to her commander while she's here because it is something she clearly lacks"  
  
"Yes sir"  
  
"Your uniform and weapons will be here tomorrow morning,- Marcus take her to the empty tent across from yours"  
  
"Thank you sir".  
  
Durin gave me two-piece black leather uniform and weapons. I got my own small tent and I got to go on raids to villages with them. It all would have worked out for me but I never followed orders and was always starting fights. I had grown close to Marcus and had a few first experiences with him. One day Durin left camp for a week to get new supplies, he left his second in command Galen, in charge. I hated Galen and he hated me. I tried my best to drive him insane. Galen lead us on a raid on the town of Dreus where I stole a few things for myself, unfortunately I was caught. Galen had fun that nigh abusing me with harsh words..  
  
" You will be dealt with when durin gets back, but don't think I wouldn't love to punish you myself..look at me you worthless whore!" he screamed and struck me across the face. I wouldn't allow him to have any satisfaction from me, so I showed no reaction from the blow and stood to face him again.  
  
"Brave are you? Well let me give you a little dose of reality.you're a lowlife with no future, you're a traitor, a murderer, and a harlot.you'll never accomplish anything, your destined to die a pointless death at a young age" He spat. I could only stare at him with anger flowing through my every vein. I left his tent disgusted trying to control myself, I couldn't help to wonder If what he said about me was true. I would have been fine but Ares paid me a visit..  
  
"Ouch.that had to hurt, are you gonna let him talk to you that way?" Ares asked a bit mockingly  
  
"His me superior I have to listen to him or I'll be in even more trouble"  
  
"Superior? I don't think so.not if you ."  
  
" What?"  
  
"Kill him" he said persuasively  
  
I gladly agreed. I went back into his tent and seduced Galen, and as soon as he let his guard down.I killed him. One of the men saw me do it and called an attack on me. I was charged by all the men in the camp and fought them off. I then got one of the men down and held my sword at his throat. Before I could continue a warrior ordered me to stop. There was at least fifteen men surrounding me with arrows aimed right for me, I saw Marcus in the back of the crowd and threw the man and my sword down. The men took me and held me, I was to be banished the next day. I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to Marcus, it was painful leaving him because I loved him and I knew I wouldn't see him again for a very long time. But I never let my emotion show.  
  
After I was banished from Durin's camp, I wandered around the area of amphipolis. I would start back to my hometown but never got up enough guts to actually go. So I stole the food I needed and whatever else I thought necessary. I eventually stole a horse and traveled to southern Greece. There I came across another camp of warriors, much like Ibec's camp of scum. But this time I was a bit more confident and demanding. I rode into the camp, dismounted my horse, and walked up to the guard who was standing watch at the leaders tent.  
  
" Stop.what is your business here?" asked the guard.  
  
" I wish to speak to your commander" I ordered. The guard disappeared into the tent for a few seconds then came out.  
  
"Petreakles will see you"  
  
Petrakles..I know how this story ends" Gabrielle interrupted. Xena rolled her eyes.  
  
"you don't know the half of it.but anyways, when I entered the tent I saw a tall young man with long brown hair, he only looked a few years older than me. He was leaning over a table observing a map of the area. With out looking up he spoke to me.  
  
" What do you want?".A devilish smiled crossed my face, this would be to easy, a man that young would be simply fooled.  
  
"I was wondering if you could help me" I said sweetly. He looked up at me surprised. I don't know what his solider told him, but I don't think he was expecting to see a girl, or such a young one. After he got over the shock and noticed the seductive smile I was giving him he smiled back.  
  
" And how can I do that?" he asked gently  
  
" Well you see.I'm a warrior, without an army.and you're an army.without me" I said walking towards him. He closed the distance between us and stroked my cheek with his hand.  
  
" How does an army like mine obtain a warrior such as you?"  
  
"Just take me" I answered.. and he did. Back then I thought the only way for me to survive was through violence, and the only way to get what I wanted was through sex....Petrakles made me second in command. I helped him to civilize his men and train them. Pertekles would often go off to buy weaponry for his army and I would be in charge of the raids, one of the raids happened to be on Cirra.  
  
"Collisto's village" Gabrielle said finishing her sentence.  
  
"Yes, it was on e time me and my army were responsible for killing women and children, I was never one for doing that, but terrible accidents happen all the time. Petrakles and I were becoming very successful and earning us a reputation. At the same time I started to fall for him, no longer just using him for power, but I actually started to have feelings for him. If he really did feel the same way about me at the time I don't know, but one morning he asked me to marry him, I enthusiastically said yes, I was so happy I couldn't believe it. Petrakles and I planned the wedding, and things were going great for about a week and then he broke my heart. I went to the tent one afternoon to discus the village we scheduled to attack the next day. He again was leaned over the table with the map on it, concentrating very hard.  
  
" The village knows were coming, my scouts tell me they are setting up a defense, we could surprise them from the back: I suggested and walked to a table and poured petrekles and myself a glass of wine. I walked over to him and set his glass in front of him.  
  
" What's wrong?" I asked him.he didn't look up, he just stared down at the map.  
  
"Petrackles.are you alright?" I asked him again this time lifting his chin up to face me. He looked scared and hurt, I wasn't quite sure how to react to him, and I leaned into kiss him but he turned his face leaving me to kiss his cheek.  
  
" What's your problem?" I asked frustrated. He turned back to look me in the eyes and he reached down to hold my hands.  
  
" Xena.I .I umm" he started  
  
" What?" I asked not able to stand the suspense  
  
" I don't love you I can't marry you" he said sharply. I looked back at him blankly, just speechless. I didn't understand him I thought he was joking so I played along and started giggling and hitting him playfully.  
  
" That's not funny. don't ever do that again, ok" I turned around to pick up my cup and take a drink.  
  
" Xena.I'm serious, I don't want to marry you..i'm sorry, I don't love you" I stood with my back to him. I had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, I knew now that he wasn't joking.  
  
" say something" Petrakles pleaded. So I slowly turned around and looked at him, my eye's begging to water. I lifted my glass of wine and poured it over his head, and furiously through the cup at the wall behind him. I gasped and stomped to the other side of the room.  
  
" I must have a problem with my ears because I just heard you say that we weren't going to be married? Or.or maybe it's just my memory because I seem to recall you telling me you loved me and you wanted to be with me forever?" I spoke in a confused state. I began to walk near me and reached out and touched my shoulders, I pulled back and shuttered in disgust.  
  
" Don't touch me" I whispered  
  
" Try and understand" he begged  
  
" Understand.understand what.why you lied to me, why you used me? I hate you" I screamed and reached down to my dagger, I held it at his throat forcefully but pulled it back.  
  
"No.killing is to good for you" I whispered to him and threw the dagger down. He let out a sigh of relief but before he finished it I reached over and tipped the table over and grabbed a vase and threw it at him  
  
" I hate you" I screamed and ran out of the tent. I continued running into the forest, when I couldn't run any longer I collapsed onto the side of a near by tree, I slid down it and sat on the ground. I set up a fire and spent the night there. I threw everything he ever gave me into the fire including my wedding bracelet. The next morning I stole one of petrakles's horses, and left for Amphipolis. I had decided it was the only place left for r me to go. It was about a two weeklong journey there and I spent most of the time going over in my head what I would say to my mom. I reached Amphipolis at midday when the village people were out and about doing their business. Amphipolis hadn't changed much except that the houses that were burned down by cortese had now been rebuilt. I rode through the village toward the Inn. A few people glanced up at me trying to figure out if I was who they thought I was, but looked away shrugging it off. I tied my horse up in front of mom's inn, took a deep breath and walked in. Business was booming, not a seat was empty. I walked across the room looking around for my mother, a couple people looked up from their conversations to stare at me then whispered to their companions who I was. I spotted mother across the room behind the bar turned around cleaning dishes. I slowed down my pace to stall having to face her. I stopped about six feet away from the bar but before I could speak a loud crash sounded through the Inn. I quickly turned around expecting an enemy but found only Toris. He had dropped his tray of glasses at the shock of my return.  
  
"Toris, you crazy boy, what are you doing?" Mother yelled and ran to his side. Not noticing who I was from the back. She knelt down and began picking up the broken glass. Toris continued to stare, no longer in shock but in disgust.  
  
"Toris.what's wrong with you, what are you-" she said looking in the direction of his gaze. Mother then stared with him. After a few moments she walked towards me and wrapped her arms around me. I couldn't help but smile, I felt loved again. And when she returned a warm smile I was glad to be home. She offered me a seat at the bar and as she worked she continued to talk to me.  
  
" Xena, where have you been I was so worried?"  
  
" Around" I answered shortly. My mother looked disappointed in my answer but continued.  
  
" I heard rumors from my customers that you had joined a group of raiders but got kicked out for killing the lieutenant, and that you became a leader of an army yourself, and were married. Is this true?" my mother asked with a hint of pain in her voice. I thought for a moment and decided not to tell her the truth, it would only hurt her.  
  
" Don't believe every thing you hear" I answered quietly  
  
" I knew it wasn't true, just some drunken travelers" my mother turned away to serve her customers. I could feel Toris's cold stare against my back. I slowly turned my head towards him and offered him a nasty look.  
  
" Do you have a problem?" I asked harshly  
  
" You supposed to be some kind of warrior?" he asked returning my look. I turned my body fully facing him and looked him over. He was wearing normal peasant clothes plus a goofy white apron.  
  
" you supposed to be a hand maiden?"  
  
He sneered at me and quickly jumped up and grabbed my shoulder. I stood up just as quickly and maybe faster than Toris. I gabbed the collar of his shirt and held tightly.  
  
" Xena.Toris stop, please" mother yelled and ran toward us, but we both kept our deadly stare on each other.  
  
" sit down" she pleaded. Toris slowly lowered his arm from me, and after one look of warning I swung my arm down harshly from my grip.  
  
"Xena why are you being this way?" mother asked with an upset tone in her voice. I didn't apologize, I was to proud to, I felt that if I cared or apologized I'd be week. So I just sat back down and turned away from Toris. I was angry, I had to lash out at someone, and unfortunately I hadn't learned to control my anger.  
  
"your Xena?" a loud slurred voice sounded from behind me. I turned around to face the voice and saw a tall scraggly young man stumbling in front of me with a dagger held tightly in his hand.  
  
"Who wants to know?" I replied  
  
" My name is rubios.y, you killed my b..Brother and father an and left his wife and young son with ou out a house"  
  
"So.what of it?" I asked with disrespect  
  
"I'm here to take revenge!" the man screamed and charged at me with his dagger raised above his head. I grabbed his arm and pulled him on top of the bar putting me behind him. I drew my sword and stabbed him in the back, all the way through till the hilt of the sword was covered with blood. I pried him off my blade as if nothing had happened. I t wasn't until the wave of blood lust had washed over me. That I heard my mothers cries in the background of people's screams and gasps of fear. I peered around the room observing the villagers. Some had taken to hiding, some had ran and others stared. My mother was draped over the counter with her head buried in her arms while sobbing. Toris was beside her trying to calm her down. He then looked to me and shouted.  
  
"get out of here now Xena.just leave" I stared back at him confused, but I was more hurt than anything but I was learning to hide the hurt very well.  
  
"did you not hear me get out" he yelled again, now gesturing toward the door. I didn't move from my spot but I did put my sword away hoping that would calm everyone down. My mother raised her head up, tears still in her eyes.  
  
"Please Xena.leave" and with that I lowered my eye's and slightly nodded my head. I turned to leave and stared the scared villagers down on my way out. Back then I confused pain and anger; whenever I was hurt or wronged I would turn violent. I needed some were to go, somewhere I could take out my anger, and mother herself said to leave, so I went as far as I could and went west to Gaul.  
  
(End of part 1) 


	2. Pain of the Past part2

Pain Of The Past  
The story of Xena's past  
( part 2)  
  
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the television show Xena: Warrior Princess, do not belong to me but to the creators.  
  
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"Is that when you met Bodecia?" Gabrielle asked  
  
" Yes.I arrived in Gaul around the end of the winter solstice. I was nearly 17 and was looking for trouble. I wandered into a small village. I'm not sure exactly what I was looking for but I knew what I wanted, and that was an army.  
  
"HEY, girl.you lost?" an old man asked me  
  
" Can you point me in a direction?"  
  
"Sure.if ya go east you'll run into more little villages like this one, west you'll come across a river-"  
  
"And north .what's that way?" I cut in  
  
" Oh, you don't want to go north...there's a civil war going on up there between the Seine and the Lynos. A man by the name of Pursuiticus and his wife Bodeciea are leading the Seine group, that's who I'm routing for, they don't have as many soldiers but they are trained very well and-"  
  
" Thanks" I said cutting him off. I turned away from him and headed north. This was exactly the opportunity I was looking for. My plan was to first join them, then gain their trust, and finally betray the leader and take the army. A synch I thought, the only problem would be that it was my first battle or "war", all I did before was raid villages. I t would be a new and challenging experience for me. I traveled north for two days, there weren't very many villages on the way expect for those that had been torched, so I knew I was on the right path. I detoured form the road and traveled through the dense forest. Although it was nearly summer, the Morning air had a deep chill to it. The forest area was still and silent. It might sound peaceful but it was quite stressful and made me very alert. I traveled on and still my surroundings were silent. Everything seemed to be fine, but I could feel I wasn't alone, that someone was watching me.  
  
" That's so weird how you can do that, I always thought someone taught you that but I guess it's a gift" Gabrielle commented  
  
" Yeh I guess." Xena sighed.  
  
Then continued "my gift soon proved correct when I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of rustling branches. I looked up in the direction of the sound to see a figure leaping down on me. The next thing I knew I was laying on my back. A tall woman stood over me; she had pale skin and fire red hair. She drew her sword and swung it down at me. I rolled to the side dogging the deadly blow, she raised her sword again and swung it down at me, but once more I rolled the opposite direction. I struggled to draw my sword and managed to get it out just in time to block the women's downward thrust. I got to my feet and continued to fight with her. Her skills were equal to mine but I had trouble keeping up with her swings because she was stronger. I got in a kick to her stomach and she returned a slice to my sword arm. I took a few more swings at her, then she kicked a leg up knocking my sword out of my hand, she caught it and quickly swung her leg across my ankles knocking me to the ground again. Before I could make another move, she was on top of me with her swords crossed at my neck.  
  
"Lynos spies are to be executed at once" she growled and pushed down harder. I pushed back up and kicked her in the back; this flipped her over my body and put me on top of her with the swords now crossed at her neck.  
  
"I'm not Lynos" I argued  
  
"Well your not one of my soldiers and if your not on either side, you must be insane to step on to a war zone"  
  
" I'm from Greece.and I want to join your army" I said calmly and released her. She stood up and gave me a suspicious look.  
  
" Why would you want to do that?" she wondered  
  
" Lets just say I've developed a passion for war"  
  
" Your young and fight so well.who trained you?  
  
I began to speak but hesitated and decided not to tell her that Ares had trained me.  
  
" People" I answered. She gave me an unsatisfied look  
  
" Well I guess it couldn't hurt to have someone with your skill on our side"  
  
I began to gain Bodecia's friendship and trust. I grew experienced from each battle and learned a lesson with each wound. Even though I was enjoying being treated equally and feeling like part of a group, I was still set on the goal of having my own army. My one chance came on a night that Bodecia's husband sent word for her to come with reinforcements to the north, where he was fighting off a group of the Lynos. I over heard her talking to her guard.  
  
" I need to go but I can't leave my soldiers"  
  
" How long do you intend to be gone? You can leave someone in charge" He suggested. With out hesitation I jumped in.  
  
" I'll do it.I mean watch over the army"  
  
Bodecia looked at me with doubt and took her time to decide.  
  
"o.k. you can do it. You're a good solider and a friend I trust.. I must leave now, I'll be back in a few days" Bodecia gathered about 20 men and left in the middle of the night. I waited about 2 hours after she left, and then I took action. I woke up the whole camp and gathered them together.  
  
"What's wrong are we under attack?" one solider asked me  
  
"NO, worse, our once honorable and trusted leaders have betrayed us all" I began  
  
"What do you mean?" they shouted  
  
" What I mean is that pursuiticus and bodecia have betrayed us. The war got to tough for them so they joined the enemy and have been spies in our camp the past month."  
  
"This can not be" The soldiers yelled out "were are they?"  
  
"Bodecia left only minutes ago to join Pursuitics and tell the enemy of our plans" I answered  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
Because I found this" I said holding up a small piece of parchment Reading.  
  
our force "A" is going east between the pinaes mountains, we have 50 soldiers. We are sending reinforcements that will be there by tomorrow morning..  
  
This was originally Pursuiticus's letter to Bodecia but I rearranged it to look like a letter to the Lynos from Bodecia.  
  
" So it is true." "How could they do this?" The soldiers yelled  
  
" All that matters is they did and when she comes back I want her taken prisoner and brought back to be executed." I commanded  
  
While Bodecia was away I continued to turn the army against her and pursuiticus and put myself into power. Bodecia returned by herself three days later, she was captured and chained in what was now my tent. I knew I couldn't let her live long so I ordered her to be killed the next day, but during the night she escaped and returned with Pursuiticus and his half of the army. They attacked us the next day, but I defeated them.  
  
After that I gathered my new army and set out to the seas. At first I just attacked villages that were enemies to Amphipolis, but it eventually became random coast villages. I was now going on 18 years old and the life I was living began to bore me, but as you know Caesar changed all that. When I captured him, his confidence and belief in destiny amazed me and I couldn't resist him. I needed him to give me power. I eventually fell in love with him or what I thought was love. When he betrayed me I not only felt foolish, I was heart broken and confused. When I was hung on the cross and Milila was murdered, my whole life changed again. Before Caesar I was just a lost and angry kid, but now I was filled with rage and hatred. I no longer had any feelings, no emotion..just the hunger for blood and power. I left Nicklios with broken legs and a shattered soul. I took some clothes, a horse, and a lot of warm furs and headed east past Greece. Near the steppes I came across a small village that was being attacked by warlords. I was starving for violence so I joined in but not for either side, I killed both the peasants and the warlords.. I had just viciously stabbed one of the warriors and was suddenly knocked unconscious from behind by a stranger. The next thing I remember was being warm, laid down on soft blankets. I was still groggy and not able to move much or open my eyes, but I could hear a conversation between a man and a women.  
  
"Who is she?" the women asked angrily  
  
" She killed my men, I want to find out why" the man answered  
  
" I don't like you bringing strange women into our camp especially killers"  
  
"Ughh.you worry to much"  
  
" I have a reason to worry, she could kill us"  
  
"If she tries anything.I'll kill her"  
  
I took this as a threat and tried to focus my self. The women saw me move and signaled to the man.  
  
" She's awake"  
  
"Get her some water" the man ordered. The women looked at him with annoyance and grudgingly went to get water. The man kept his distance till she returned with my drink. She slowly came to my side and reached down to lift my head up, before she had a chance to touch me I knocked the cup and her away.  
  
" Get away from me, where am I?" I screamed. The women screamed in fear and the man ran at me and gripped his hand around my throat. I couldn't loosen his grip because he had tied my hands.  
  
"Calm down, we won't hurt you" he said gently  
  
" Get off me, let me free" I struggled  
  
" Please trust us" and he let go  
  
" I trust no one" I growled  
  
"Who are you?" the women asked with an attitude  
  
" Who are you?" I returned with the same attitude. We both glared at each other, but before anything else was said the man stepped in.  
  
" I am Borias.This is Natasha"  
  
"- His fiancé" Natasha cut in. I looked her over than glanced at Borias. " You have my sympathy" I joked  
  
" You can stay here, but your rudeness won't be tolerated" Natasha snarled  
  
" You call it rude, I call it the truth"  
  
Natasha growled and left the tent with a little boy who had been seated in the corner. I decided Borias would make a good partner in my plan to conquer the world and kill Caesar, but I had to get rid of his wretched girlfriend and seducing him would be a challenge.  
  
"Why did you kill my men?" Borias whispered harshly  
  
" Why not"  
  
"Answer me and tell me your name" he said more forcefully  
  
" I answer to no one.but my name is Xena"  
  
"Well Xena I won't let you free until you tell me and give me your word you won't do it again" he said determined while approaching me . " I just enjoy a good kill alright"  
  
He reached out and cut the ropes that bound my hands, but he was unsatisfied with my answer. He turned around to put the rope away. I figured I should probably change my attitude and appear more "friendly", which I wasn't great at.  
  
" So.you're a warlord, seems kinda hard with a wife and son around" I began. He looked at me surprised that I would actually start a conversation.  
  
"Yes.I'll be leaving my army soon to live with them" he responded  
  
" Your going to give up command of an army.. for a woman.like her?  
  
" Life as a warrior is not all I expected it to be" he sighed  
  
" You can be so much more than JUST a warrior. This is your army, you can do anything you want with it; conquer nations, earn riches, gain respect, fear, and fame"  
  
He became interested in what I was saying and slowly walked closer to me.  
  
" You have an impressive knowledge about this subject" he stated. I reached out and gripped the shoulder of his shirt.  
  
" Let me help you.and we can rule the world"  
  
" That's quiet an offer, but how can I trust you?"  
  
" I'll grow on you" I smiled devilishly and leaned in to kiss him.  
  
"Papa!" his son called and entered the tent turning Borias's attention away from me.  
  
" Mommy wants to talk to you" and Borias quickly exited the tent.  
  
I continued to seduce him with talk of power. Within a week I offered him a campaign to travel east and conquer the kingdom of Chin. I eventually succeeded in getting him to leave his wife and son and come with me.  
  
( end of part 2) 


	3. Pain of the Past part3

Pain Of The Past  
The story of xena's past  
(Part 3)  
  
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the television show Xena: Warrior Princess, do not Belong to me but to the creators. * some Violence  
  
Borias and I headed east to the land of Chin. On our way we recruited men for our army that would destroy all that got in our way. My short-term goal was to become powerful, my long term goal was to take revenge on Caesar. In Chin we planed to make an alliance with the Ming family then with their enemies, the Loa's make the same deal and eventually defeat both of them. Personally I would have killed then all from the start, but Borias and I always had our difference of opinions. I can't even count the number of fights we had over the dumbest things, but we had our good moments.  
  
" Xena?" Gabrielle asked  
  
" Hmm?"  
  
" How exactly did you feel about Borias? I mean did you love him or."  
  
" I didn't love him Gabrielle. I wasn't able to love. There were moments when I hated him and others when I didn't want to leave him. I suppose if I wasn't the way I was back then there could have been a loving healthy relationship but I wouldn't let that happen"  
  
" Did he love you?" asked Gabrielle. Xena thought awhile.  
  
" I think he did. he would tell me sometimes but I wouldn't believe it. In Chin I ruined his plans so he betrayed me and gave me to Ming who had me hunted like an animal. But Lao's wife, Lao Ma saved me. She treated me so kindly and I couldn't understand why, it was like she didn't even know who I was but she loved me so much. She tried to change my life, and she could have. I almost did change, but I wasn't strong enough yet. I regret it so much because I only got worse after that. Borias and I made up and got back together. We had heard word that a young girl with a wealthy father had been kidnapped. This had fortune written all over it and I wasn't about to pass it up. So Borias and I headed even farther east to the land of Japa and rescued her from her kidnappers to ransom her back to daddy. Something went wrong.I taught her. well she killed her father for some vengeful reason then asked me to kill her to honor her soul. I did it and after that I'm not sure what happened.  
  
" Why?" Gabrielle asked confused  
  
" Well I.ah.had a lot to drink after that"  
  
" Oh, sorry I asked"  
  
" We ( me and Borias) traveled back west setting our camp on the steppes, hoping to gain more land and power. Borias wanted to make his silly alliances again this time with the Northern Amazons. This is when I met Alti. She came to me and offered her help. She claimed she had shamanistic powers that could destroy the amazons. I took up on her offer with out hesitation; Borias of course didn't like that, but by then he was starting to lose control over me. Alti proved her powers to me when she reviled that I was pregnant. I hadn't gotten around to telling Borias, but she saved me the trouble of having to tell him,he took it better than I thought he would, actually after he got over the surprise I think he was happy, which was more than I can say for myself. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it. A baby would mean changing my life style, and Alti knew it. That's why she cursed my son, that he would never feel the love of either of his parents.  
  
" It didn't work though" Gabrielle pointed out  
  
" Of course it did, Solan grew up without me or Borias"  
  
" But Solan knows you love him, now more than ever, and even before he died he knew you as a loving friend" Gabrielle said while smiling at Xena and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.  
  
" Thank you Gabrielle. well now that Alti had that taken care of she had to prevent me from befriending the Amazons. Cyan the queen had been teaching me Amazon signals and fighting techniques, she offered me the right of initiation into the tribe. I was doubtful of it. I mean they were to much a family and it wasn't for me, but I still considered it. Cyan told me to stay away from Alti, that she would only bring me death; she also warned me that if I stayed with Borias I'd end up getting him killed. Alti however, talked a better show. She told me she could make me the Destroyer of nations, the most powerful and feared warrior of the known world, I joined Alti and she requested that I slaughtered all the northern Amazon tribe, she said if I did that it would give her the power to make me the destroyer of nations. So I betrayed the amazons using the new fighting skills they had taught me, and killed almost all of then, Borias was outraged with me and what I had done. Not that I cared, I enjoyed making him mad. because we always made up. He forced me to leave the Steppes and Alti, and we traveled to Greece to conquer more land. Our first site to conquer was the great city of Corinth. When we arrived in Greece I was about five or six months pregnant and nearly twenty years old. The only ones who knew about my pregnancy were Borias, a few trusted servants and soldiers and of course myself. I tried to hide my pregnancy because I new if the enemy found out they would find me more vulnerable and if my men knew they would take advantage of me. The siege on Corinth was going very well and I was as ruthless as ever. I did whatever I had to and killed whomever it took to get what I wanted. Borias however got softer and weaker every day, but by then we had split the army and he had no command over me. I sent most of my men to search for the Ixion stone, which belonged to the Centaurs and would give me great power. This made me enemies with the centaurs and made difficulties for me while battling Corinth. During most of this time Borias and I fought, but now I realize his arguments had a point to them and if I had listened I might have had a different life. Solan might still be alive, I might have changed my ways sooner, and I could have a normal life and family, but I coldly blew him off every time he wanted to talk to me. I often thought of how my life would change by having a child. I was still sane enough to realize that my life wasn't the best to bring a child into. I honestly don't think I cared much for the child while he was in me, but Borias did and it made me sick how he always talked about a family. I only saw the child as an obstacle, a nuisance that would slow me down.  
The siege on Corinth was near to success and I had captured some centaurs so they could reveal to me were the ixion stone was hidden. Borias had just about had it with me and my heartless techniques, so he realized my prisoners and he and his army left with the Centaurs. That night Borias's men and his new allies attacked my camp. Meanwhile I laid helpless in my tent about to go into labor. I was nearly passed out from the pain of the contractions and I fearfully prepared for the birth. I was barely aware of my surroundings, but at one point I can remember feeling Borias's presence with me. I felt him holding my hand and stroking the hair from my face. I remember him telling me that I was safe, that everything would be all right because he was going to take me away. I felt him kiss my forehead then leave. While I suffered through one of the longest and most painful experiences of my life, Borias was being murdered. While one part of me was brought into the world another was being taken away. I remember wanting him next to me during solans birth and screaming out for him. When the delivery was finished my tent caught fire from the battle that was happening just outside. Satrina my servant, who delivered Solan lead me out to a wagon that would take us to safety. I cradled Solan tightly in my arms. As I got into the wagon I turned to look at the battle. Something caught my attention.it was Borias laying face down in the dirt. He was barley recognizable, I thought he was dead.then he raised his head and reached out to his son and me. I couldn't believe that he would actually come back for me, that he cared. As the wagon began to pull away I watched him take his last breath. I would never have admitted it back then, but when I lost him I felt scared and alone.only a few miles away from the battle we set up camp. We as in, Satrina, another servant, two of my soldiers, and me. I didn't do much that night, and I don't think I said a word, but there were so many thoughts in my head, so much confusion. I was left alone with a baby.a human being whom I just met, that I knew nothing about, yet I loved him more than anything.I wasn't exactly mom material though. I had no clue as to how to take care of him, and the way my life was going was no place for a child to grow up in, he'd live a very short life. I knew I couldn't keep him with me, but I didn't have any friends or even allies to leave him with. My only options were to keep Solan and have him lead a life of sadness and suffering as I have or.give him to my enemies the Centaurs. They may have hated me but surly they would take care of the son of Borias.  
Later that night when everyone was asleep, I slipped a warm cloak on over my shoulders and gently hid Solan beneath it. I headed back to the centaur camp to meet with one of their leaders, Kalliopes. About an hour later I spotted Kalliopes next to a tall tree surrounded by shrubs. As I approached him I slowed my pace, I developed a knot in my stomach and wanted so much to turn back, but he had already spotted me.  
  
"stop right there.you won't get the Ixion stone. Borias told us everything, he will be known as the man who betrayed Xena and befriended the Centaurs.he my have died at your command but he will live on forever in our legends" He yelled and stared at me with an icy glare.  
  
"I'm willing to withdraw my army" I offered him barely able to speak. My sincerity was insulted when he erupted in a sarcastic laughter.  
  
"Xena, Destroyer of Nations isn't know to bargain"  
  
I lifted my cloak up and reveled Solan. There was silence and he looked down at me in confusion.  
  
"Take this child.he is my son and the son of Borias, if he stays with me he'll become a target for all who hate me, he'll learn things a child should never know.he'll become like me" I lifted Solan up to him. Kalliopes still only looked at me with anger, I could see the caution in his eyes. I wanted him to just take my child and get it over with. "Please" I choked, barely getting the words out. Luckily the simple and polite word convinced Kalliopes to take my son.  
  
"the son of Borias, will be raised as my own" He said raising my child high. That was the first time Solan had left my side. My muscles were still and I could barely breath. I didn't notice I was beginning to cry and when the first tear feel I retreated before Kalliopes saw my emotions, it would make him think I was weeak. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I regretted it so much, I wondered if I would ever see Solan again.  
  
I had no friends, and I couldn't stand telling Satrina and the rest of my soldiers what I had done with my child. As you know I later found out that Satrina was a trader.her and Dagnin killed Borias.it seemed like everyone I had ever trusted betrayed me, I had already given up love and didn't know who to trust so I didn't trust anyone.I chose to give home another try. My mother was the closest to me even if I hadn't seen her in five years. It was worth a try.  
  
(END OF PART THREE) 


	4. Pain of the Past part4

Pain Of The Past  
The story of Xena's Past  
(Part Four)  
  
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the television show Xena: Warrior Princess, do not Belong to me but to the creators. *Contains Some Abuse  
  
I arrived in Amphipolis just after sunrise, the town was filled with travelers passing by, and I knew most of them were headed to moms Inn to have breakfast. I remember the smell, the sounds.they were so peaceful and welcoming. I couldn't help to be glad that I was home, but I was so nervous about seeing mother, it had been almost five years. I didn't know if she would recognize me or if she had heard about things I've done, but I needed to try. I tied my horse up and entered the inn. I was shocked by the reaction of some of the people in the building. They must have known who I was because quite a few of them quickly left. I took a seat at the table in the far corner.  
  
"You girl." I yelled to one of the servers. I spoke to her as if she was my slave.  
  
"Tell my mothe-.Cyrene I need to speak to her" I ordered  
  
" sure" The girl agreed and began to walk away, but she stopped short and turned back around.  
  
"Your Xena aren't you?"  
  
I looked her over with the dirtiest look. How dare she question me.  
  
"Got a problem with it?"  
  
"No, No Problem" the girl spoke frightened and hurried away. I turned to glance around the inn enjoying the moment of being home again. I noticed a few paranoid glances from some customers and tried to ignore them. I was also very glad to see that Toris wasn't anywhere to be seen.  
  
"XENA" A sharp voice sounded from behind me. I turned to it quickly to see who it was.  
  
"Mother" I spoke, surprisingly with fear in my voice.  
  
"Why did you come back.shouldn't you be out murdering innocent people and destroying villages. Or I suppose you came back to leave your child with me because you can't take care of it yourself.well where is it Xena?" My mother spoke barely controlling her anger towards me. She stared me straight in the eye awaiting my answer, but I couldn't speak I was so afraid of my mother; she was the only one who was able to do that to me.  
  
"I- I don't have him" I was finally able to say, but it hardly came out.  
  
"What!.what did you do to it?" she yelled  
  
"I gave him away" I still said quietly  
  
"You abandoned your child with strangers?"  
  
"NO, I gave him to a centua-, someone I know" I said a bit more defensively.  
  
"So your baby will grow up with out his mother or ever meeting his family, you're an awful mother."  
  
This sparked anger in me and for the first time I stood up, grabbed my mother, and yelled in her face.  
  
"What kind of mother did you expect me to be? What kind of life would the child have if he stayed with me?"  
  
my mother kept a straight face and backed away from me.  
  
"Sorry Xena, you have to leave, the shame you have brought upon your family and home is unbearable.Your not welcome here" My mother said sternly. She picked up the tray off the table and headed back to work. By then we had really made a scene and all eyes were on me. As angry as I was I didn't feel like taking it out through violence I was more in pain, I knew my mother was right about me but I was helpless to do anything about it and left my home for the third time, I wasn't planning on ever coming back, but if I did I would get it right.  
  
I headed out in search of a new conquest. I had recently heard stories about a stone called the Rhiengold, if I could retrieve that I could get the power of a god, but it would be a long journey north. I had only been traveling a week when one morning I was packing up my things into the saddlebags on my horse and suddenly.A warm and sensuous tingle swept over my body engulfing my surroundings. It was a felling that was all too familiar.  
  
"Ares!" I whispered  
  
"Glad you remember" he replied gratefully I turned from my work to see Ares, whom I hadn't scene since he talked me into killing Galen when I was about 16. He was dressed in his traditional black clothing, a sword mounted on his hip. Something about him appealed to me at that moment but I tried to resist Ares temptations.  
  
"Your not that easy to forget.what do you want" I smirked.  
  
"I want to make you an offer" he spoke smoothly and deeply while approaching me, stopping at a close distance.  
  
"I'm listening" I said offering my cooperation to him.  
  
"I can give you an army with the best warriors in Greece"  
  
He placed a strong hand around my waist and the other stroked my cheek.  
  
"And what do I have to do?"  
  
"Conquer all of Greece.take this, I got it for you and only you can use it" a large metal ring formed in his hand. It was sharp like a dagger around the outer edge and had a basic design on both sides.  
  
"What is it?" I asked amazed by it's appearance.  
  
"It's a rare weapon called a chakram.it will slice through about anything if thrown right"  
  
"Teach me" I whispered ambitiously  
  
Ares told me what it did and how to do the basics, but the rest of it was mine to experiment with because he didn't know how to use it. He reminded me of his offer and asked if I would take up on it.  
  
"O.K., I'll do it, but what do I get out of it?"  
  
"Power.and fear to the name Xena, and if you really impress me I can make you a goddess and you'll rule by my side"  
  
"I'm in, but I have plans right now, we'll have to delay the conquering of Greece awhile"  
  
"What do you mean plans?"  
  
"I'm headed north, I've never been that way, I figured I could make a name for myself there. Plus they have the Rhiengold.They say it will give the possessor the power of a god."  
  
"Why waist your time looking for that when I can make you a goddess?"  
  
"For the thrill of it, I like to do things for myself."  
  
"Yes you do.and that's what I admire most about you, you've never asked me for anything, not even my help and anyone who asks for that doesn't deserve it" He whispered in my ear. His arms were now wrapped around my waist embracing me, pulling me close. He talked softly into my ear so that it almost tickled. I unconsciously leaned in closer and my hands begun to wonder up his chest around his neck.  
  
"So what?" I asked breathlessly  
  
"Go north, do what you must".He leaned back and brought an arm up to place his hand on the back of my neck.  
  
"Then return to me and well conquer Greece." Ares pulled me in for a passionate kiss and umm.well you know how persuasive he can be, lets move on shall we?"  
  
"Xena.are you blushing? Over Ares?" Gabrielle Giggled  
  
"Nooo"  
  
"Xena I don't care, I understand"  
  
"Thanks.well after I left Ares I continued on my long journey north. I didn't know much about the Viking people or about the Rhiengold, But I got very luck and just happened to be at the right place, at the right time, talking to the right person.  
  
"Whoa.who'd you mess with?" I laughed and stopped my horse in front of a tree and on this tree was bearded bloody man, just hanging there.  
  
"No on is capable of doing this to me with out my consent" the man stated  
  
"What kind of idiot has himself crucified?" I asked  
  
"I don't wish to take part in the struggle of life any more" He cried  
  
"Why would you wanna do that?" I eagerly asked him  
  
"I am Odin.King of the Norse Gods, it is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country, yet as I sit in Valhalla and watch the bitter struggle called life on this earth, I ask, are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict?" He yelled in despair.  
  
"Damn Straight.that's what makes life so worth living, you know everyday I wake up and I feel pumped by the knowledge that there is always someone around the next corner.someone for me to challenge, to fight, and to conquer."  
  
"Someday, someone may conquer you"  
  
"Precisely, which is why I don't have time to waist chatting with a god who doesn't know what to do with his immortality" I said disgusted by his misunderstanding of life, I began to ride away.  
  
"Wait.Who are you?" he shouted to me.  
  
"The names Xena, You know you can't escape the struggle Odin, you gotta embrace it"  
  
My lust for life pulled Odin from his depressed state and in return he made me a Valkeri. My duty was to escort slain Viking warriors to Odin's eternal banquet in Valhalla. I excelled in my new role, but it wasn't long till I came in conflict with the leader of the Valkeri and Odin's lover, Grinhilda. I began to seduce Odin and the Valkeri away from her with my philosophy, until Grinhilda was almost forgotten. Grinhilda was the only smart one though, she knew not to trust me, that I was up to something.and she was right. I soon learned that three maidens protected the rhiengold, and that it was only valuable to those who have forsaken love, and that wasn't a problem for me. I was empty of all love by then; just living from one day to the next, seeking power and revenge. I convinced Odin that I loved him so that he would reveal to me where the Rhiengold was. I set off in search of it. Grinhilda and the other Valkeri tried stopping me, but they were easily defeated. I reached the maidens and tricked them into showing me where the Rhiengold was. I stole it from them and forged it into a ring. Grinhilda tried to stop me again and she put the ring on, but because she had not forsaken love it destroyed what she valued most, Her humanity. She transformed into a hideous monster. I could have killed her then but I had much worse planned for her. So I took back the ring and awaited for her to return. When she did I wore the ring and received god like power. I locked her in a cave that I locked with an unbreakable lock, I wanted her to live forever with her ugliness and suffer. Unfortunately as I locked her in she stole the ring from me. I wasn't going back in the cave with out it and she certainly wasn't going to give it back to me, it was a stale mate.  
  
I now had no choice but to go back to Greece. I had both failed and succeeded on my journey north. I failed in keeping the power of the ring, but had succeeded in leaving a legacy of bloodshed for the Norse people. I taught them that fear was the strongest power and that everything could be solved by a good fight.  
  
I returned to Greece to start my army for Ares. But before I formed an army I felt I needed to look like a high-class commander. I had a new uniform made, one that looked similar to the one I own now, but it was black with a different and smaller design of armor. The leather flaps of the skirt were also black, but every other one was gold. The outfit had large, dark, metal shoulder pads that had a long black cap attached to it. I had a sword and a whip made to match my chakram and I bought a horse. Now for the army, and if what I was thinking would work, I knew just where to find one and get revenge at the same time  
  
A few days later I reached a camp of disgusting warlords. I rode into the camp and a solider approached me.  
  
"Hey! What do you think your doing?" the solider said angrily  
  
"Where is your commander?" I asked and dismounted my horse  
  
"I asked you a question women" the solider yelled disrespectfully and walked up to me. I quickly reached for my dagger and pulled it out. I lunged forward and stabbed him in the shoulder.  
  
"I believe I asked you a question also, and considering the position your in it would be smart if you answered it" I suggested.  
  
"That way.He's in there" The solider cried in agony. I let him free and walked to the tent in the direction he pointed. A guard tried to stop me, but a simple look was all it took to get him to back off. I pulled back the curtain and entered.  
  
"Who are you?" yelled a chubby old bearded man who was laid on a pillow swallowing down cherries and wine. Startled by my entrance he got up and rushed at me.  
  
"Get out of my tent, you can't just walk-" his words were cut off when he reached out for me and I countered his move by breaking his arm and pushing him away from me.  
  
"I'm insulted Ibec, You don't remember me.but I'll always remember you and all that you did to me" I growled  
  
"What are you talking about" he panted  
  
"Do you remember about eight years ago a young girl about 15 years old came to your camp confused, injured, and heartbroken. She wanted to join your army, you forced her to kill, you used her as a maid an object of pleasure, and treated her like a dog you could beat when she disobeyed" I glared at him waiting for a response. Then his eyes lit up with fear.  
  
"Xena.You've grown up"  
  
"With Vengeance, I must say I was worried that you'd be dead already, not that it would stop me from getting what I want, but it will be more satisfying with you around" I mused.  
  
"What is it that you want?" Ibec asked with fright  
  
"I'm going to take your army, but first I want to show you the same kindness and compassion you showed me."  
  
I humiliated Ibec In front of his men, killed him, and took his army. I civilized his men and trained them to be the best warriors in Greece. As a commander I demanded loyalty and obedience. If one of my men didn't follow my code, they were executed. I led my new army across Greece conquering cities and villages. I kept my army and position for over a year. One day I went to one of Ares temples to ask him about the offer he made me nearly two years ago.  
  
"When I know you are the best warrior then we will fulfill our destiny together"  
  
"How do I prove that I am the best?"  
  
" By killing Hercules. When you accomplish that then I'll know your ready"  
  
Now that I knew what I had to do I was set on doing it. I didn't know Hercules very well, but I wasn't dumb enough to just go up against him. I had to learn about him find his weakness, what did Hercules cherish most? That would be his best friend, Iolaus. I made a plan to seduce Iolaus, to make him fall in love with me, and when Hercules came after me to get his best friend back Iolaus would get jealous and fight Hercules. Hercules would surly win and when he'd realized that he had killed his best friend, he'd be ripe for slaughter. All went according to plan; Iolaus was head over heels for me, while Hercules knew my plan the whole time. He came to get Iolaus and they fought, but their friendship was too strong for me to corrupt. My army and I fled. I didn't give up that easy though; I just had to think of a better plan. Until then I continued my bloody conquest across Greece. Although I was a strict leader I began to doubt my soldiers loyalty, especially my lieutenant Darphus. Darphus constantly argued with me and questioned my authority. One day I took my scouts out to check the surrounding area. When I returned Darphus had taken my army and attacked a near by village burning it to the ground and killing every one, every one but an infant that I found among the burnt ruins of the village. I took the child away so that my men wouldn't kill it and so it could be cared for. In return for my act of kindness towards this helpless child Darphus turned my men against me, and the only way for a commander to leave his or her army is through the gauntlet. A pathway made up of the leaders own soldiers. The commander that is leaving was forced to walk through and be beaten. If the one-stepping down reaches the end they are exiled, that is if they are alive, and not many cross the line at the end. I remember standing facing my men that I had fought side by side with, now knowing, dreading what was to come next from them. When the drums began to beat I had to face my fear and I began walking. I passed the first two soldiers neither of them moved. The next two nothing. I began to regain faith that maybe my men were still loyal, but when I reached the sixth man a solid fist struck my face. The force knocked me into another soldier and I was struck again. It continued on, I was thrown around like a rag doll. A few of the men had clubs and I was violently knocked to the ground. I fought to block out the Pain and kept my focus on the line. The end seemed so far away, but I knew I had to reach it and it would all be over, so with my last bit of strength I pulled myself across the line and collapsed. To my men I appeared to be dead. I almost was, but I couldn't die, not like that. I wasn't going to be beaten to death. A traitor wouldn't defeat me. I was able to regain consciousness, and by a miracle I managed to stand up very slowly. I was unstable and dizzy, but I could see the faces of my men starring at me like they had seen a ghost.  
  
"She's alive" they gasped "Good for her, now finish it" I heard Darphus yell, but luckily I had taught my men something; to play by the rules. I made it out alive.  
  
"NO, she survived, I won't cross that line" My soldiers replied  
  
"Fine, enjoy your exiled" he spat, and I left.  
  
I began to think, why had so many people betrayed me, hurt me. Was their something wrong with me that made people want to hurt me, and what of all the people I had hurt and betrayed? I was just as bad. But it wasn't my fault I was that way. It was Cortees's, and Ibec's, and Caesars'. It was their fault for making me hate and be cold. The only thing I could do was to continue on with my life the way it was. So I would try to get my army back. I found Hercules and fought him, but I was defeated. I told him to kill me and prove that he was the greatest warrior. He responded by letting me free. He told me that being the best warrior isn't about how many people you can kill. That there is so much more to it. He asked me to join him in defeating darphus but I refused. I couldn't understand why someone who hated me didn't kill me when he had the chance. And what did he mean by killing wasn't the only thing about being a warrior, what else was there? Then I started to look at how Hercules was. He was a warrior, but he loved and cared. And what about Cyan and Lao ma? They were both great fighters yet they loved. I couldn't stop thinking about all the people I hated, and the more I thought about them the more I realized how much like them I was. I had become exactly what I hated and I despised myself for all the lives I had taken, the families I split, and the disrespect I showed to my own self and body. I was disgusted with myself and wanted my life to be over, but there was something I had to do and that was stop Darphus.  
  
As I was contemplating this allI had a visit from my patron God Trying to convince me otherwise.  
  
I was sat down on the ground next to a tall tree in the middle of the forest when Ares appeared angry.  
  
"Just what do you think you are doing?"  
  
I didn't look up at him. "Leave me alone"  
  
"Get back out there and finish the job, you were so close"  
  
I stood up and faced him. "Close? He almost killed me.But he spared my life, why?" I yelled back frustrated.  
  
He grabbed my shoulders roughly. "Because he's a coward!!!Xena if you do this you can regain your army and rule as my queen!"  
  
I was so tempted, it would be so easy to just give in and do what he wanted, but I knew it wasn't the right decision.  
  
"I can't"  
  
"What do you mean you can't?"  
  
I pulled away from him.  
  
"I mean I can't do it, I can't kill him, I can't do this anymore, any of it!"  
  
Ares looked stunned and very angry.  
  
"So what are you saying, you don't want to be a warrior anymore?"  
  
"No I'll still be a warrior, I'll just fight for a different side, I'm going with Hercules" I said firmly.  
  
He was pissed now.  
  
"Hercules, what-why?"  
  
"My soul is hurting I can't live this way anymore.the killing, the stealing, betraying, lying.I can't live like this any longer"  
  
he came closer to be again.  
  
"You don't have to! Once you kill Hercules, you can start a new life with me"  
  
"I don't want to.I need peace, I have done terrible things and I have to start making amends"  
  
"you don't need, you haven't done anything wrong. Once you are with me we will bring peace to the world by force"  
  
I thought hard, but I knew what I had to do, my mind was set.  
  
"no Ares.Goodbye"  
  
I turned from him and started to walk away.  
  
"If you leave me now, you become my enemy!" he warned.  
  
I looked at him one last time and left to join Hercules.  
  
We defeated Darphus and my old army. While I was with Hercules he taught me honor, respect, and love. He taught me about the greater good and the true meaning of being a warrior. He unchained my heart.  
  
"If you loved him so much, why did you leave him?" Gabrielle interrupted  
  
"As much as I loved him I needed to find my own way with out him to lean on. I didn't feel I deserved his love, I wanted the hard way out, and he was the easy way. After I left him I almost gave up on myself."  
  
"What changed your mind?" Gabrielle asked  
  
"You did Gabrielle. when I saw those men trying to hurt you and your family I knew what I had to do. I had to save as many lives as I had taken and just maybe my good deeds could atone for my past. You've been my light, a guide through the darkness of my heart. Without our friendship I probably wouldn't be alive now or I'd be a warlord again. But even with you at my side I see that nothing I do can redeem me. I still have nightmares of my past misdeeds, the people I've killed haunt me day and night."  
  
"Xena you are a good person, with a good soul" Gabrielle said comfortingly  
  
"Now maybe, but it doesn't change what I've done. I may have been forgiven by a few people I've wronged, but there are still hundreds more out there that haven't forgiven me"  
  
"If they knew you now they would" Gabrielle stated  
  
"Gabrielle, if I had killed your family.murdered your sister, your mother and father, and left you all alone. Could you forgive me?"  
  
There was a long silence. Gabrielle stared into Xena's eyes from across the campfire where they had set up for the night. Both of the women's eyes were watery.  
  
"Yes, I think I could" Gabrielle Finally spoke very quietly.  
  
"You may be able to, but I can't" Xena whispered very emotionless. She laid down on to her bedroll and pulled the blanket over her head. Gabrielle could only stare down at her friend. So many thoughts going through her mind at once. Gabrielle finally got up and walked to the saddle bag and took out an empty scroll. She sat next to Xena and began writing.  
  
Today I succeeded in getting Xena to talk to me about her past, but now that she has I regret asking her. I see the pain that it has caused her. My dear friend's curse is to spend eternity seeking a redemption she will probably never find. It's hard for me to understand, because the only Xena I've ever known is the one who is my best friend, a loving mother and a person who puts every one and everything before her. She is right though she may be good now, but it doesn't change the evil she's committed in the past, the number of lives she's changed for the worse. Xena's words have troubled me and it poses a question "If a person has committed terrible crimes but is later on reformed and changes their ways, should their sins be forgotten, or will they weigh heavily on the soul when the person is judged in the end.Could you forgive her?" 


End file.
